It’s almost that time again…
You know the drill. New Year resolutions, turning over a new leaf, and sparking joy with the “KonMari” method. Conversations are flooded with “this year I’m really going to get my life together and I will finally [fill in the blank].” People are constantly chatting about their new diets, travel goals, complex self care plans, exercise routines, money saving strategies, etc.
Many, if not most of us experience that pressure to reflect on the year’s accomplishments - or perceived lack there of - and consider our future. After realizing we aren’t in the place we expected to be at this point in our lives we are left disappointed.
In response to our discomfort, new goals are set every January 1 to get us a little closer to that imagined life. Energized and motivated - we buy new (usually expensive) planners, try out the newest organizational hacks, find accountability buddies to “keep us on track,” and feel the promise of a happier and more productive life.
As the seasons change, our many many responsibilities seem to get in the way again. Our motivation dwindles because we are TIRED. We can’t seem to balance work, family, friends, and self care as expected. Survival mode kicks in and we start to rely on the “after this week, everything will slow down” mantra. All of the sudden we are back to December. Another year passed.
WHERE DID THE TIME GO? How could this have happened… again.
So let’s hold up here for a second.
Are we supposed to live this cycle until the day we die?
-Or-
Is it possible that there is another path to move towards our best possible selves?
In my opinion, the answer is unequivocally YES - there is another path.
The answer is learning how to BE rather than trying to DO more.
We can be so preoccupied with keeping up with expectations and appearing perfect that we have little time left to take a good look in the mirror and see who is actually staring back. Ultimately, the constant “doing” ends up masking our true feelings, perspectives, and values. Also, what if we are already “doing” enough.
So, What does “being” look like, you ask?
Allowing yourself to feel how you actually feel.
I know, I know. We all love to shove that stuff deep down. Because the truth is, feelings are often physically painful or uncomfortable to experience. The downside of avoiding those feelings is that you are also avoiding extremely pertinent information about what you value most in your life. For example, if you feel really sad, it’s probably an indicator that something is very important to you. It is so hard to build a truly meaningful and fulfilling life if you ignore all the things that make you feel pain and discomfort.
Be real with the people you trust.
There is always pressure to be accepted by the people around us. It’s both normal and adaptive. However, the pressure to fit in often leads us to do and say things that we don’t really connect with on a personal level. Although we may think that agreeing with the masses ensures that the people around us will like us, it actually decreases intimacy. Our relationships all remain quite surface level, which again, is not fulfilling. As humans, we crave to be seen for who we actually are and be loved.
Say no to the things that will pull you away from the things you value most.
Your close friend is joining ANOTHER committee to save the dogs, trees, children, etc. You’re already on the board of three philanthropic committees, you’ve gone back to school, you’re a parent, you’re seeking a promotion, you’ve become a caregiver for a sick adult family member, your’re hosting the next supper club meeting, and so on and so fourth… and somehow you still feel like it’s not enough. The weight of the world is metaphorically on your shoulders. This is where you have to practice, and I mean PRACTICE, saying the word no. I promise you, no one is good at saying no at first. When we say no to things it often leads to guilt - and we don’t want to feel guilt (see bullet point one) - so instead we say yes!! to avoid that icky feeling. What a fun cycle! (heavy sarcasm).
Saying no does not mean you have to say no to every thing offered to you. But it does mean you can really consider how you want to spend your time. Learn about what fills your cup and drains it. Being thoughtful about the ratio of draining tasks that you put on your plate because no matter how much you hate it - no one can do it all.
Be present in the moment.
Being busy is a excellent way to distract us from painful internal struggles (again, see bullet point one). While avoidance is useful in the short term, it does not actually make your problems go away. In fact, it just makes the problems seem bigger and scarier than they really are. Being present is hard work - it requires you to face your fears. It’s not something that our brains naturally want to do and it only comes with lots of practice of mindfulness.
Practicing mindfulness allows our brains to recharge and refocus. It makes you more productive and accurate at later points in the day. Mindfulness is also known to decrease anxious and depressive symptoms, decrease the length of sickness, and increase tolerance of the bad feels.
When we make room for the present moment, we have the ability to enact change. The present moment is the only moment in your life that is truly real. The past and future are all in our head - and they are super tempting to get caught up in.
When we combine the ability to know ourselves and use the present moment - that is where lasting change occurs. Because it is based on you moving towards the things that are most important and motivating to you - not what you think others want from you.
DISCLAIMER: I’m not saying never “do” anything - just be intentional with the “doing.” And it usually comes after a phase of practicing “being.”
My Challenge to you is to use your new year to find you.
Who is the person looking back at you in the mirror. What do you like, what do you not like? What brings you fulfillment, what drains you? What do you feel connected to and how do you move towards that? While the “being” option is by far the more uncomfortable path it also tends to be the most fulfilling and meaningful path.
Thanks for reading this month’s Tackett Tip! I’ll catch you in the new year!
- Dr. T
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